discernment counselling
a path to clarity
If you or your spouse / partner are seriously considering divorce or permanent separation—but aren’t completely sure if it’s the right decision—you’re in a truly difficult and uncertain place. Discernment Counselling is designed specifically for couples in this situation. It offers a structured approach that allows each of you to slow down, take a breath, and thoughtfully explore your options in a series of supported, facilitated conversations.
Unlike traditional relationship therapy, Discernment Counselling is for couples where one partner is “leaning out” of the relationship—unsure whether counselling or therapy will even help—while the other is “leaning in,” hoping to hold onto and ‘fix’ the relationship.
discernment counselling:
what to expect…
A trained and certified discernment counselling (DC) therapist will guide you through a process of reflection and decision-making. The process is not designed to help you fix your relationship problems in these sessions. Rather, it is to help you determine whether those problems are solvable; the DC therapist does not make this decision for you.
The goal is for each of you to work toward gaining greater clarity and confidence in whichever decision you make. The choices are very clear: you can decide to commit to working to restore your relationship, choose to divorce / separate – or – you can choose to do nothing and keeping living and feeling the way you are now.
Although you will attend sessions as a couple, the most important conversations happen one-on-one with the DC therapist. This approach acknowledges that each partner is starting from a different perspective on the relationship and so it helps each person gain deeper insight into their own role in the relationship’s challenges and potential solutions. Even if the final decision is to end this relationship, the insights gained in this process can be truly valuable for future relationships.
Throughout the process, each of you will be treated with respect and compassion by the DC therapist, and this will be actively facilitated between you as well. There is no place or tolerance for blame-speak in Discernment Counselling; there are no victims, no villains – there is simply an honest exploration of what’s best for each and both of you.
structure & duration…
- Up to 5 sessions
- 1st session: Typically 2 hours
- Subsequent sessions: 1.5 to 2 hours each
- Each session:
- step 1: both partners with the DC therapist for approx 20 mins
- step 2: ‘partner one’ leaves the room, the other stays with the DC therapist for approx 25 – 35 mins
- step 3: ‘partner two’ is invited back in, and is given a short summary of things spoken about/learned by ‘partner one’ before they then leave the room.
- step 4: ‘partner two’ stays with the DC therapist for 25 – 35 mins.
- step 5: ‘partner one’ is invited back in and given a summary of topics and learnings by ‘partner two’.
- step 6: DC therapist with both partners for approx 30 minutes
If you feel stuck and find yourself at a crossroads in your marriage or partnership, Discernment Counselling can provide the space, structure, and facilitated support needed to help you make a thoughtful and informed decision about your future – together, or apart.
discernment counselling is…
…a space for honest reflection.
Here, each partner is encouraged to examine not just the relationship as a whole,
— but most importantly —
their own role in how it has evolved, both positively and negatively.
discernment counselling is not…
…a place to rehash last week’s fights,
assign blame,
– or –
expect/hope the DC therapist will ‘fix’ the other partner.
discernment counselling is not suitable…
- If one partner has already made a final decision to divorce / separate
- If one partner is being coerced into participating in the process of discernment counselling
- If there is a risk of domestic violence or an increase in coercive control (physical, verbal, psychological, social/familial, financial)